October 22, 2004
i always think that i know her well.
too well, i thought
it always seems to me that answers i seek shldnt be questioned directly
even if it often results in wrong information, wrong steps.
otherwise, i will feel that i am controlling, manipulating, restricting...
and i hate to make her feel like this....
sometimes, i blame myself doing it sub-consicously
not just sometimes. too often.
afterall, i dont know what i should do.
its like a new topic in my life
problem based learning kind
no guides
no formulas
no correct answers - nor suggested.
i dont want to fail this topic
though, i had already failed my coursework.
i wan to try my best.
score in my theory
but life is cruel
its telling me
'you failed your coursework
you failed the whole module'
its not even giving me a chance
there's no supp paper to take
even how weel i score in my theory, it only stand 0.01%. coursework is 99.9%
i was looking for hope. work hard. pray hard.
life, came to me,
'you cant retake this module. you have to go on
if this module is required of you, it will inform you to take it again.'
i dont believe in this...
cant i just go back?
progressing is so hard
i already failed behind. what can i do infront?
i am hopeless, helpless.
its just like failing my E maths
and i am still taking these A maths & F maths
life, once again,
'theres a will, theres a way'
a way? what way? this is a total dead end
its not like i can climb up, or dig a hole
maybe i should just bang my head against the wall and see if it cracks
but my will is just too weak... after all these failures.
human are weak beings. it take so many years to breed a fine man..
and only takes a blow to kill it.
true enough,
'life is always full of hope' it says.
but we are always telling ourselves, 'believe in ourselves'
we never mention ' believe in life'
how hopeful can we be?
i shall seek a new topic
a topic i have hopes in.
a topic i can pass, score and ace.
theory now, is not important.
theory then, is total bullshit.
i dont want to just pass
nor i wan to score it
i wan a distinction
i wan to ace it
get a grade i am truly happy with
get a grade i can live with it.
i am willing to start from scratch.
a brand new topic.
practise make it perfect.. not you...
mada mada...........................................................
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